In this chapter we will look closely at the factors, which can make you jealous. You can very quickly get wise on your own jealousy if you spend some time looking around in your immediate environment and circle of acquaintances
The difference between sex and porn
As we discussed about the past in the previous chapter, many can be jealous of people who have been to bed with your partner. Maybe you’re jealous when you just think of them or when you see one of them. It varies from person to person.
Now we’ll try to separate things a little, so we can get a better understanding of what the difference between sex and porn really is.
Most men see or have seen porn, and many people do it while they are in a relationship. Perhaps it has been a habit for many years or it’s just normal for someone. It’s not necessarily because they do not love or have enough in their partner.
You can personally make up your mind whether it’s okay, but I will not go deeper about that in the book.
But when we see porn, typically it’s at the beginning of the puberty; it’s here a big part of our beliefs and ideas about sex come from porn.
Porn is entertainment and not sex. Porn is made to turn us on visually, and this usually requires a lot of methods for porn to be porn, it doesn’t have anything to do with sex and what things are really like in the real world. This can be advanced positions, studio lights, exaggerated tones on the voice tapes etc. You’ve probably caught the point.
All this may create some confusion when we meet our own beliefs about sex in the real world.
I’m not saying that you don’t have or can have “porn sex” with your partner, but it’s just healthy to be able to distinguish between sex and porn.
Sex is typically associated with deep intimacy and strong feelings between two people. You certainly have tried to be in love or just had very intimate sex with someone you have been attracted to.
The world is quiet around you and all that fills both of you up is that you are having sex.
Here it’s also very normal to have your eyes closed, and leave it all to your emotions and imagination.
When you have sex, you really feel yourself and your partner all the way to the bone.
When it comes to porn, you can easily have “porn sex” with your partner; the most of us have that. It’s completely normal.
Porn is typically characterized by being something that is very influenced by the visual. Fancy positions, high moaning, it’s hard and fast, and the woman is usually dominated by the man.
If you have watched porn more than once, I don’t need to go more into depth with it, you probably know what I mean.
This is where jealousy comes into play, because if you are jealous on one of the people whom you partner has been to bed with, it might help you to distinguish between sex and porn.
You and your partner’s sex is unique, you must remember it’s something only the two of you have and nobody else in the world. So basically, you should not let yourself be jealous about it, but we can now be occasional anyway.
If you distinguish between sex and pornography among them your partner have been together with, it can ease a little of the jealousy you might feel. What probably mean most to you, is you and your partner’s intimacy, THAT’S something NO OTHERS have been a part of before. Let me just repeat myself, it’s your own unique moment that no one else can take away from you.
So if your partner has been with someone in the past, and you become jealous of thinking about it, try ask yourself if there’s really something to be jealous about?
You could start by asking yourself, if you have had “porn sex” with someone who you 
find completely indifferent for your life. Why should the people who have been to bed with your girlfriend, not feel the same as you do?
I’m not saying that it’s okay to be jealous if your partner had intimate sex with others before you. Because, as I said earlier, your sex life is completely unique, but it can still minimise jealousy, if you distinguish between porn sex and intimate sex.
If you are a man, you’ve also been fucked
The title is perhaps a little provocative if you are a man. But it is actually meant to be so. One of the jealousy patterns I’ve seen from many people is that they may be jealous of others who have “fucked” their partner. It’s a kick in your pride, and you become angry at those who have been with your partner. You might get so angry, that you want to hurt them or just try to avoid them.
Due to our perception from porn, the media and our own culture, we have a tendency to see women as some we “use” and exhibit.
In short, we have a conscious or unconscious belief that it’s the man who fucks the woman, and not the woman who fucks the man.
It’s completely wrong. It takes two people to have sex, and both partners are equally responsible for whatever happens.
Men and women generally have a different way of looking at sex, but it doesn’t change the fact, that women want just as much sex as we men, though it may seem different sometimes.
Unfortunately it can create a lot of jealousy, if you carry around the belief that we men are fucking women, and not the other way around.
It’s not weird we become jealous if we got that belief. Because if that’s true, our partner after all, might have been used against his/her own will, which means he/she is actually for sale, which is not true.
It may sound far-fetched, but for some men, who are jealous, it’s the real belief. You might think it’s crazy, but in reality there are many who unconsciously believe in it.
If you have a tendency to be a “laddish” or come from a “laddish” environment and social circle, you probably know it’s certainly the typical perception that if girls have been to bed with many, they are cheap, but if a man has been with many women, he’s a hero.
Why?
Yes the above explains why. After this chapter, you’re also able see that it’s not the truth in anyway.
But no wonder why many men live with the belief that this is how things work. We are influenced by everything around us to believe that this is so.
But in the Western world, men and women are equal and have equal rights, why shouldn’t we also have that when it comes to sex? The answer is that we are equal!
Spend some time to chew on it and stop being jealous
Give yourself some time to think about this chapter, and make clear what you’ve got out of reading this chapter. It has helped me a lot personally, although I was sickly jealous. I also hope that it will help you.
In this chapter, you can also refer to the previous chapter about the past.
I suggest you talk to others about your thoughts and feelings, not just because it’s nice to express what you feel and think, but also because you can learn a lot by doing so.
When I say other persons, I mean your friends and family. You’ll probably also be surprised to learn how much your friends have thought about it, and you will find out that you aren’t certainly the only one that feels like you do.
After this chapter, you should have made some thoughts that make you wiser.
Use your network and talk openly about your jealousy. You have nothing to feel ashamed of; it just shows that you are in touch with your feelings.
If you get recognition and realize that you’re certainly not the only one who think and feel like you do, it would also be much easier to complete your jealousy treatment. At the same time, it also becomes easier to accept the small side in you, which perhaps always will be jealous. It’s okay, just never let it control you.
